Last night Ron came over and we played The Big Idea, the Cheapass Game where you get cards with nouns and adjectives on them and have to combine them to create products that you then pitch to your fellow players. Leonard's fond of the game, and I am too, except that we simplified the investing/IPO stuff away so we could just focus on the funny pitches.

I wish I could remember more of the products Ron did; the X-Treme Toaster launched bread, Texas toast, an entire bagel, or half a panini outwards at up to 60 miles per hour, with a user-controlled directional system that you could use to target your friends and enemies. Leonard made a hit with the Mentholated Drug Forklift, for use in medical injections of 50-foot monsters, and the Mechanical Machine as useless expensive status symbol: "It does nothing, because it means everything."

My inventions:

 

• Edible High-Priority Chowder, to cure anxiety of choice at the salad bar
• Cat Addictive Plague Virus, to get your cat to physically need you and not be quite so independent
• Patriotic Puppy Camera, for when your snapshots aren't always cute and unbearably American
• Herbal Natural Chainsaw, strong enough for a logger but made for a hippie
• Networked Beer, to ensure you never feel like you're drinking alone
• Government Alien, a standardized, tax-deductible alien for your abduction and inspiration needs
• Electric Self-Heating Satellite Necktie Fruit, so you get your daily nutrients, heated for your comfort and whirling around your torso for your convenience, in attire appropriate to a professional office

The supposed plot of The Big Idea is that other people invest in your company and then you do a public offering, but if I were really pitching to investors I would do company pitches, not product pitches. Our pitches were like ads, not business plans. How boring would it be to bury the Mentholated Drug Forklift in a PowerPoint about the top-flight experienced management team and market projections? However, Leonard's pitches were often short "here is the problem, here is the solution" expositions, which translate more easily to investor meetings than does "Sometimes, people just can't see things from each other's point of view" (excerpt from my pitch for the Herbal Natural Chainsaw).

You learn people's styles as they improvise. Ron goes to infomercial style, hilariously repeating litanies like "bread, Texas toast, an entire bagel, or half a panini." I dreamily meander among references to theory and axiom -- Kenneth Arrow's theorem on ranked preference voting, "shared joy is increased/shared misery is diminished". Leonard uses narrative arcs, sci-fi monsters, and Veblenesque/Situationist critique.

The funniest pitches started off with a great first sentence. The best was probably Leonard's intro to the Mentholated Drug Forklift: "When you're giving injections to Godzilla or the Fifty-Foot Woman, you quickly realize that standard needles won't do the job." This reminded me of a pet project I now reveal to you. Guess whether these are opening lines for

 

This American Life or Trader Joe's Radio Ad?

1. Here's a ritual that happens in millions of American families every day.
2. At [This American Life/Trader Joe's], we spend a great deal of time contemplating the great issues of the day: the economy, climate change, cheese.
3. OK, here's something that we did not expect. Check this out.
4. Our enemies are in hiding.
5. Steamed food is cooked with steam.
6. Here's my seventh grade teacher's sad fate.
7. No matter who you are, life is all about making choices.
8. So how many years were you an executioner in your job?
9. Lately it seems like everyone is talking about value.
10. It used to be, if something was big news, it got turned into a song.
11. We don't get to use the word "jumbo" very often.

Answers in comments.