Please enjoy the following satirical piece I wrote, entitled "My Application For A Job As Mayor Zohran Mamdani's Associate Speechwriter", inspired by a job listing posted at cityjobs.nyc.gov April 17, 2026:

Associate Speechwriter, Office of the Mayor

Key Responsibilities: ....

Speechwriting:

- Write remarks in Mayor Mamdani’s voice.

Dear Director of Communications:

For too long, I have not had this job. Fiorello LaGuardia said that success lay in making New York a "city of happy people," and I stand before you today in search of the happiness that only a job as Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamdani's assistant speechwriter can provide.

Under the previous administration, time and time again, too many New Yorkers became accustomed to stagnation, mismanagement, and resource allocation that, in many ways, favored the Turkish consulate over Tompkinsville. But in this new era, we shall make a New York City that every speechwriter can afford to call home. No longer will I need to scan the listings on not just Idealist and LinkedIn but, frankly, also, Craigslist.

Across our five boroughs, working people demand that our city government deliver public goods and public excellence. From halal cart vendors in Parkchester to childcare providers in Park Slope, the uncelebrated and unrecognized workers who keep this city moving deserve that excellence. And thus my pledge to you is that I will deliver, to each and every one of those 8 and a half million New Yorkers, that very same unrelenting message discipline that they came to expect during the campaign.

Towards that goal I will:

Deliver universal stylecare. Maintaining our team style guide is, just like filling potholes or crewing the N train, part of supporting our city's infrastructure. To maintain solidarity with the grassroots coalition that won our power together, I will balance their competing demands for person-first or identity-first language, for reclaiming or prohibiting slurs, and for pronunciations of "Kosciuszko Bridge."

Make memos fast and typo-free. I will draft research briefs as needed, and deliver them at the speed required, ideally while the Mayor is freestyling to stall after a reporter's question.

Freeze the draft. I will ensure timely delivery of the Mayor's message of affordability to every corner of this city by declaring "No more changes!" forty-five minutes before each press conference. This will allow time to lock the document in Google Docs, and print the speech or transfer it to the IT crew for teleprompter usage. Changes to the forty-five minute "buffer zone" shall be decided by a committee of editors, writers, NYPD Commissioner Jessica Tisch, and a judicial delegate from the Brooklyn Democratic Party.

All too often, so much of the Mayor's messaging process is part of a larger conversation that is ongoing (particularly when the Mayor's Office needs to reassure the public that the NYPD is not coordinating with ICE (especially since it is)). However, the very real need to deliver individual speeches is not just necessary, but also a matter of meeting a commitment. A daily speech from the Mayor is essential as raw material for our press corps to nitpick, for those remaining on Twitter to loudly misunderstand, and for MAGA politicians and billionaires to racistly denounce. Without a regular cadence of charming, diplomatic speeches for others to seethe at, our counterparts at all levels do not have what they need for "Potshot Politics."

In the wealthiest city in the wealthiest country in the history of the world, together, let us recommit to making a city that each and every family across the five boroughs can afford, and to producing a steady stream of announcements that puff minor accomplishments into PR opportunities to reward the Mayor's political allies. Let us reject a politics of rejection and bring forth a new era of dignity for all New Yorkers, in particular for me.

References on request.

Sincerely,

George Stephanopoulos