I used to co-run a group blog where we made fun of spam, and someday I do want to resurrect Spam As Folk Art as a static archive*. But in the meantime, I need to tell you about this spam I received this morning.

For context, I am pretty sure I never signed up for info from this organization, and if I ever got an initial email from them that wasn't labelled as a "follow-up", I have since deleted it as spam.

I'm eliding a bit of detail, partly because this is from a nonprofit and probably partly out of cowardice. But I feel fine posting the text of an unsolicited mass email on my site -- hey, they say transparency is important to them.

Subject: Sumana, question.

Was this voice-dictated? Or a reference to Now, Voyager?

Hi Sumana, just a follow-up. The [name of organization] would really like your participation. Would it be okay to pass you information about our annual schedule and our members?

No, just as I was uninterested in the identical offer you sent me on January 21st.

Sincerely,
[person's name]
Organizing Manager
[organization name]
[address on Park Avenue in New York City]
[person's email address]

Points for the actual person's name, etc.

_____

And here we go.

RECIPIENT NOTIFICATION. Hello, and thank you for getting the time to read this email. This message is part of an ongoing communication between us,

Oh I see, you're trying to act like you are adhering to the terms of the CAN-SPAM Act. As Leonard pointed out, however, the phrasing does turn this into one of the long-term nuclear waste warnings. "This spam is a message and part of a system of messages! Pay attention to it! Sending this message was important to us. We considered ourselves to be a powerful spammer."

and I want to take a moment to ensure you have full visibility about why you received this message, how your NOTIFICATION is handled, and what to expect from future emails.

Well, I now expect that future emails from you (or from anyone?) include SUDDEN CAPITALIZATION of ARBITRARY NOUNS?

Why You’re Obtraining This Email.

Or perhaps I shall expect innovative spellings of well-known verbs! Sorry, "exprect".

You’re Obtraining this email because at some point, you opted in to receive updates, news, or information on a specific topic we’ve previously passed or shared.

Note that this doesn't actually say that I opted in to get updates, news or information from them.

Whether it was through a subscription, a form submission, or added form of communication, your information was shared willingly,

The passive voice in "your information was shared willingly" might pass muster with, like, 90% of the US judiciary applying "qualified immunity"-type standards, but it wouldn't pass muster with a vampire IMO.

and we regard your decision to connect with us.

They "regard" it! It's in the "Un Certain Regard" section of the Cannes Film Festival! What's the negative or positive valence of the regard? Well, it's .... certain.

If you’re wondering about the nature of our correspondence,

Points for correctly predicting that by this point I sure am. But in, like, an existential way.

rest assured that we aim to keep all emails relevant, timely, and free from unnecessary clutter. This includes following your inbox and refraining from sending irrelevant messages.

"Following your inbox"? Does my inbox have its own Instagram?

Your privacy is Important.
We value your trust and take your privacy very seriously. The NOTIFICATION you provide is securely stored and never shared, sold, or used outside the purpose for which you provided it. If you ever want to observe how we handle your data, feel free to contact us directly. Transparency is our preference, and we’re happy to address any questions you might have.

At this point I want to treat this email like a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket to visit the Park Avenue address where they handle my data. Including my NOTIFICATION.

You are always in control of the NOTIFICATION you share. If you feel that any part of your subscription or interaction needs [[clarification]], let us know. We’re here to provide accurate answers and ensure your satisfaction.

Those brackets were in the original. Was this written as, like, 2012-era wikitext where "clarification" was going to link to some info processing policy the length of the Treaty of Westphalia?

How to Unsubscribe or Coordinate Your Preferences.
We relate to that everyone’s inbox is different.

This is where I laughed aloud for several seconds. The, like, 1990s multicultural-awareness-very-special-episode level of Tolerance here! You know, [inoffensive music] we're all different. You're a spammer, I'm someone who prefers not to receive spam. But that doesn't mean one of us can't ask the other to the prom!

If you ever find our emails no longer useful, there’s no hard feelings. You can easily manage your email preferences or unsubscribe using the link provided below.

"No longer useful"? I laughed harder at that "everyone's inbox is different" line than I had laughed at an email in possibly a decade. Given what's happening to US health policy, six months from now, my laughter at your spam may be the most effective medicine available to me. Forget that unsubscribe link -- where do I take your Press-Ganey survey?

By clicking the unsubscribe link, you’ll be taken to a page

I'll be transported to a magical land!

where you can either adjust your communication preferences (such as receiving fewer emails or only on specific topics) or thoroughly remove yourself from our list. The process is straightforward, and any changes will take effect promptly.

Oh that's disappointing. I don't need to answer thee thy questions three?

We don’t use contrivances or gimmicks to keep you subscribed. Our preference is to ensure that our emails add value to your day, and if they don’t, we respect your conclusion to part ways.

The commitment if you unsubscribe, we will actually stop emailing you does not usually require an explicit promise.

Accessibility and Communication.
If you have any problems accessing the unsubscribe page, managing preferences, or understanding why you’re receiving this email, you can reach out directly to our support team at Service@[domain name]. We aim to provide a reply within a reasonable time frame and address your concerns fully.

This is completely fine. I mean, my problems "understanding why [I'm] receiving this email" are more on the "what mental models led you to write this astoundingly lengthy footer and think it was a good idea to send" level. But I appreciate the commitment to accessibility and responsiveness.

Our passing is designed to be as inclusive as possible,

Leonard said that this is what they'll say at his funeral.

but we know there’s ongoing room for improvement. If you have any thoughts on how we can make our emails more accessible or relevant, please don’t hesitate to pass.

Technically I think that last "please don't hesitate" phrase may breach some terms of service.

A Commitment to Non-Intrusive Emails.
We aim to create a Non-Intrusive passing experience.

(Trans friends, please insert your own bitter jokes here.)

This means we won’t burden your inbox with excessive messages, and we work hard to ensure our content remains clear and concise.

Incidentally, at this point, the email is more than twice the length of the Gettysburg Address.

The purpose of this email is to stay connected with you and provide updates or information that we believe is appropriate. If we ever fail to meet these measures, we encourage you to let us know.

Real talk, I often submit bug reports but I am probably not going to do that in this instance.

Feedback, whether useful or constructive, is always appreciated.

The two forms of feedback! Useful OR constructive!

Your thoughts help us understand how we can do better and improve our communication approach. While we cannot promise every suggestion will be implemented, we will take the time to carefully observe and consider your input.

I regret to inform you that, instead of doing that, I have read aloud your email to two friends and am writing this blog post making fun of it.

Contact NOTIFICATION.
If you’d like to get in touch with us outside of managing your preferences, here’s how you can reach us:
Email: Service@[domain name]
Phone: [a real phone number] (Available Monday through Friday, 9 AM - 5 PM ET).
Mailing Address: [number] Park Avenue, [New York City address]

If I call, do I need to speak in ALL CAPS so you know it's a NOTIFICATION?

We strive to ensure all passing channels are open and readily available to you.

Again, y'all should reread every instance of "pass" you use to check whether you are accidentally threatening the recipient, like the most polite bully or mafia goon ever.

Whether it’s a question, comment, or problems, our team is ready to assist. If you request info we should send it to ,f:Sumana ,l:Harihareswara ,t:Founder ,o:Changeset Consulting ,c:Queens ,s:NY ,p: ,e:sh(changeset)nyc ,sf:[sender's first name] ,sl:[sender's surname] ,se:[sender's first name]([domain name])org ,pr:ws-newyork ,ca:[ID string] ,1:New York ,2:[another ID string] ,j.

I, too, struggled with mail merge once.

Legal NOTIFICATION.
We comply with all relevant laws and regulations regarding email communication. This includes appropriate to anti-spam laws

If I didn't actually sign up for your emails, this song-and-dance does not actually mean you're in compliance with CAN-SPAM.

and maintaining the highest standards for consent-based passing.

(Trans friends in tech, please insert your own bitter jokes about data privacy here.)

Your trust matters, and we work diligently to ensure every email you receive meets these requirements.

Every email I receive... FROM ANYONE? Now I'm intrigued.

If you need further clarification on our compliance policies or legal obligations, please feel free to ask. Transparency and responsibility are central to our communication strategy, and we’re happy to bring additional details if needed.

Given the length of this footer, I am concerned that you hired Vikram Seth to write the "additional details" and that's why A Suitable Girl isn't out yet.

A Ending Note.
Emails are one of the many ways we stay connected, but we understand they aren’t appropriate for everyone.

I am thinking of borrowing this line as a snarky follow-up for people who haven't replied to me fast enough. For real impact I would want to add a stock art photo of a dissatisfied person turning away from an old Packard Bell PC and instead about to pick up a classic Bell telephone or a fountain pen.

If there’s another way you’d prefer to pass on or stay updated, let us know.

Once more, the accidental "respectful hitman" diction is just not making me feel like communicating with you is going to go butter-smooth.

Whether it’s through social media, a direct call, or another channel, we’re open to finding the most thorough way to share information with you.

Have you considered maybe a limited-series podcast? Just for this footer?

We want to highlight that our goal is never to disrupt or clutter your inbox. Every email sent is sent to provide value,

Is it? Have you met email?

and we fully appreciate your time and attention. Thank you for authorizing us to stay in touch with you.

Hold on, is this some clickthrough EULA-type nonsense where me not saying the magic words authorizes them to keep emailing me? Again, a ton of the US judiciary evidently thinks this is good enough to deny arrestees their Miranda rights, but this would not cut it with vampires. (Maybe we should hire vampires to run anti-spam defenses?)

This footer was conceived

in Liberty, and dedicated ....

to ensure transparency, provide essential information,

... provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare ....

and give you full control over your passing preferences.

Just a big sigh here.

We hope it meets your goals, but if there’s anything you’d like to see improved, we’re always here to listen. Unsubscribe [link] if wished thanks Sumana.

My suggestion (sorry, NOTIFICATION) is that the next footer should be EVEN LONGER. A more commercial length, like, over 1,000 words -- this was only 902, which generally only gets you into flash markets. And maybe include more of a narrative. What does the protagonist want, why can't they get it, and why should I give a hoot? Maybe some conflict, you know? That's a classic approach. Or maybe more of a character study. A quiet moment looking out at Park Avenue, reflecting on sensory experience that reminds them of recent experience, in a sequence that resolves into a tonal resolution even if it's all interior. Very Granta.

Then again, you have brought into my life an entertaining variation of yet another iteration of one of the great basic conflicts. Man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. self, woman vs. spam. So, on second thought: no notes.

`*` Brendan, Leonard, and Kevan: if one of you wants to do that, let me know and I'll send you the tarball so you can do it instead.