Blog by Sumana Harihareswara, Changeset founder
I Will Never Learn This
Hi, reader. I wrote this in 2004 and it's now more than five years old. So it may be very out of date; the world, and I, have changed a lot since I wrote it! I'm keeping this up for historical archive purposes, but the me of today may 100% disagree with what I said then. I rarely edit posts after publishing them, but if I do, I usually leave a note in italics to mark the edit and the reason. If this post is particularly offensive or breaches someone's privacy, please contact me.
"I've spent a lot of my life trying to become better and better at what I DO. Somehow I thought my achievements might attract love. This has always been my fantasy. It's a crazy fantasy because I'm not good enough to do anything worthy of love. I don't think anyone can DO anything that would make him worthy of love.
Love is a gift and cannot be earned. It can only be given."
I gnash my teeth about justice sometimes. I don't get what I deserve, he gets more than he deserves, and so on. Life isn't fair. That's what our parents tell us and they're right both ways. Sometimes I get these wonderful gifts of love that are far more than I deserve and I find that very hard to accept. I keep asking "why." Well, love and deserving don't go together. It's a type mismatch. It's like trying to eat a verb. Life isn't fair.
